Who’s Your South Park Character?
ALL CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS IN THIS ARTICLE ARE BASED ON REAL ACTIONS FROM REAL COLLEGE STUDENTS AND ARE MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY…SERIOUSLY. THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS EDUCATIONAL FACTS GIVEN IN A RELATABLE WAY BY WHICH THE AVERAGE STUDENT ATTENTION SPAN IS TO BE HELD.
Kenny McCormick: Don’t be a Kenny. A Kenny drinks to the point of black-out with the only form of communication being short groans and mumbles. A Kenny needs to be aware that too much alcohol leads to alcohol poisoning or death…but that won’t happen right? Spoiler alert; watch any episode of South Park. Don’t be a dead Kenny.
Eric Cartman: Knowing a Cartman in real life is a nightmare. When drunk, the word “water” makes them furious. Even worse, their head grows to the point where flipping the bird with a “screw you guys, I’m going home!” seems like a valid reason to driving themselves home. Bad idea. Don’t be a dead Kenny remembered as a Cartman.
Kyle Broflovski: A Kyle contains himself while sober by brushing off snide comments from a Cartman. After a few drinks, that tolerance level grows thin, and he can snap in a way that makes it really awkward for those around him. Throwing a fit in public is never exactly cool, and may get thrown out of the bar and onto the “Wall of Shame”. Keep it cool, don’t be a crazy Kyle.
Stan Marsh: A Stan may be a bit awkward at a bar, but they are the people to go with if you plan on drinking the night away. A Stan always tries to take a lesson out of a hectic situation and be relatively calm towards a Cartman or a Kyle in tantrum mode. They are also good people to nominate as the designated driver and will be there when you need him. Always have a Stan.
Wendy Testaburger: Wendy’s are responsible, smart and are found around Stan’s. Like a Kyle, a Wendy can easily become a drama queen when their patience is tested and make a small problem huge. Be a Stan to them and the problem will be forgotten in a matter of minutes. If they continue to be fussy, buy fast-food and they will be out like a light for the night.
Bebe Stevens: A Bebe enjoys the hookup culture nightlife has to offer. To a Bebe, a few shots is the magic potion to cure creepiness and bad breath. Bebe’s usually assume that nothing bad will happen when going home with their frog prince, but in reality they risk getting STD’s or even worse, ending up as a dead Kenny. Keep Bebe’s close and care for them, don’t let them go home with a complete stranger.
If any of these personalities seem familiar, be a Stan and help. Bad situations when drinking are real and always possible, but very easy to avoid. Always be aware and always drink water when necessary.
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*Graphic credit to the creators of South Park*